Like most things, beach season has different meanings for guys and for girls. For guys, hitting the beach means grabbing board shorts and a towel. For girls, it's a little more complicated.. What to wear, who to go with, how to get your hair looking tousled without making it look as though you were trying to make it look tousled.... Yes, we know how you operate.
But the way girls act on the beach tells us much more about them than the way they look does. Guys have learnt to read feminine beach behaviors and understand their implications for relationship potential. Here are some stereotypes and what we really think of them:
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Bikini
Everybody has seen the girls who walk. They walk up the beach. They walk down the beach. They reach the end and then they walk back. If there were a charity that sponsored girls walking up and down the beach, these girls would be saving lives. But there's not - so they just look desperate for attention.
The Sun Goddess
Then there's the girl lying baking in the midday sun, covered in baby oil instead of sunscreen. In her mind she's a sexy, bronzed goddess. In our minds she's a cancer victim. There's something in the male psyche that rejects the notion of vanity overcoming survival instinct. Something in our genetics judges her unfit to be a future mother to our children and thus not worth it - even if she does have pretty features and child-bearing hips.
The Helpless Girl
Even if the most practical thing you can do is make a Mojito, it's not that difficult to put up a beach umbrella. The technique is much the same as the technique guys use when having sex: stick it in, wriggle it around a little and then when it's done, you can roll over and go to sleep. Helpless girls look like they would make clingy, needy girlfriends.
The Bikini Fiddler
Yes, your bikini is your most powerful weapon for beach domination. In those small scraps of fabric lies the power to change lives or at the very least to imprint your memory on the hearts and minds of male beachgoers for the summer. But once it's on, leave it alone. Adjusting your bikini constantly might draw attention to your assets but it also makes us think you either have an uncomfortable rash or are totally self-obsessed. We're looking anyway - no directions are necessary.
The Frisbee Female
Sporty girls are fun to be around. Guys can shoot tequila with a sporty girl. Guys can tell sporty girls dirty jokes. Playing with a beach bat or Frisbee makes you look sporty - if you're actually any good at it. If you're not, swatting the air feebly or fumbling with a Frisbee makes you look uncoordinated. As a guy, one can't help thinking that if you can't hold a beach bat properly you're probably not any good at other ball sports....
The Book Babe
Next time you're on the beach, try this: lie on your stomach reading a book, then kick one leg into the air and flex your toes. It makes you look contemplative and whimsical. And hot. From there it's just a small jump of the imagination to include you in that strict - librarian fantasy. Besides, books are a great way to give a guy a conversation opener. Just make sure you're reading something we might have actually read and leave the chick lit at home. Let's face it, no guy will ever approach you with a 'Oh, the new Marian Keyes - I love the part where Miriam eventually realizes her sweet best friend Chuck was Mr Right all along' pick-up line. Not going to happen